Hackney Holiday - Acupuncture and manicure

Had a great day which kicked off with some wedding debates - how many chairs to get for example. I then had a lovely long session of meditation where Marmite and Trottems joined me, gazing at the rose buds in the garden. In one of my many magazines it said that the new way of getting rid of greenfly is just smudging them off with your finger - apparently they don't come back, it's 'organic' and quick. Slightly messy though, and not convinced of its effectiveness. Those are the sorts of thoughts which come into your head when meditating and you have to quickly get back to thinking of nothing. Then I tootled off to my acupuncture session which was very refreshing and therapeutic. I immediately felt great. Holiday at home - not much can beat it, especially when you've got a little bit more money to spend than nothing.

My body now virtually tip top, I'm also getting more concerned with beauty issues - my nails were next on the list. And in true holiday style I had a manicure - from a lovely pregnant Indian girl. She was thrilled as the baby is the first grandchild, grand SON in fact, for her in-laws where she has moved to from Delhi. A wonderful hand massage together with beautiful nails.

Then I got home to work on bringing down the numbers for the wedding - which isn't a very nice job. I want everyone on my list to come, but realistically they can't. I've created a brilliantly logical system. Everyone is given a number to start with - number of times I've seen them in the past two years. Then an 'intensity' letter - ABC or D for the 'intensity' of the relationship A = intense. Then a Y/N if Phil has met them or not. So some people have got OBN like Order of the Brown Nose in Private Eye. Evening Do. And the great thing about that is that it's virtually unlimited.

Blogging my way through cancer

Early on in my diagnosis, Mum gave me a book called 'Writing my way through cancer' which I immediately chucked in the garden, and it is now almost ruined. I was annoyed as the woman was such a moaning minnie. In such circumstances one undoubtedly compares onself with AN other and this woman was a published writer, which got my green tentacles up to start with, she was about double my age, and the cancer was less dramatic. I didn't find reading about her whinging very helpful, especially then. Now I too can see the benefits of documenting one's experiences - in my case blogging. With blogging, as one's parents and friends, not to mention the Stazi, thought police, MI6 and the FBI are reading then you invariably have to make the thing upbeat and keep moaning, especially about anyone with two pence worth of power, to a minimum.

I do think it's a bit of a myth that creativity thrives on misery - surely good writing and art comes with practise and experience? So I'm going to try, against the best wishes of the Royal College of Censors, to carry on with my blog, even if it gets slightly dull with my limited propensity to moan.

And what else have I learnt or changed with the a) cancer/b) blogging/c) engagement (they all seem to merge into one and it's difficult to separate them)? Well from cancer - a) stay upbeat. Blogging - remember who pays the bills. You may think it's you, but actually it's the british tax payer and 99.9% of the time you don't agree with them so b) keep your opinions to yourself. Engagement - Enjoy and keep your eye on the budget (see b).

Two Amazing Things - Sunshine and Hairdressers

There's not much more amazing than these two things - sunshine and haircare. Sunshine especially when you're on holiday gives you this wonderful escapist, freedom feel. You've won the battle, the streets are deserted, everyone else is at work, apart from the Turkish hairdressers where there's two weddings. Especially carefree in a thoroughly Turkish hairdressers. There's continental drum and bass blaring out, the sun's bouncing off the floor and mirrors, a lovely breeze blowing all the ciagrette smoke away, foreign language whirring over your head, close your eyes and the sound of water splashing over your locks could be the costa del stokey. You're reading a book about frogs, get a haircut better than vidal sassoon for a quarter of the price and come out looking a little bit more like Kylie, especially now you're 55 kilos! Hurrah. Panic over about the weight loss. On top of that all the treatment has finished, bar Tamoxifen, which I haven't quite made my mind up about. And the sun is still shining. On my blonde hair...

Ten Amazing Things (Tat)

1) I am carrying on with my blog
2) Ten Amazing Things spells Tat
3) My blog is listed on Three Beautiful Things, so to show my gratitude I'll do the same, again
4) Blaglady says she bets 3bt isn't being investigated. Ha. But she has 'He who shall not be named'. I didn't bother with that.
5) Only people like Nelson Mandela and Mark Steel, not to mention most of the cabinet like Madelson and Jack Straw get 'investigated'.
6) Hits have gone up again
7) Profile views are at 500 nearly
8) I will not mention work again on this blog. Promise.
9) Are numbers 4-8 really amazing things? Surely I'm scraping the barrel. Funny can be amazing. Well, sometimes.
10) Watched most of Northanger Abbey and spoke on phone to Blaglady.

Not knowing what day it is

One of the things about being off work for such a long time is you don't know the day or the date at any point. The days merge into a sort of grey durge. And I haven't been on TOP FORM the past two weeks. The Radiotherapy has done its work - and finished - but left me feeling exhausted, a very sore left breast which is inflammed and that's apparently what's making me feel sick. But I start work next Wednesday, with an interview too and so has Phil.

I'm reading Possession by AS Byatt at the moment, which is a great read prior to me starting an MA in October as it's all about academia. I am hoping that all this reading is improving my writing - Mum always said that's the best way. I haven't found 'Possession' as good as 'Kitchen Confidential' in this respect. Perhaps I feel overawed by the quality of the former, overawed to the extent of total inactivity.

I think Mum gave me Possession for my sixteenth birthday - so it's taken me seventeen years to read it! And this sort of random fact makes you think about other objects and influences in one's life. What's the oldest object I've been given? Why've I kept it for so long? And what about 'services' you've benefitted from years ago. School teaching. But also learning to ride a bike, swim, read and talk. Skills that most people take for granted are passed down from parents. The wonders of science, rarely lost from the first generation that learns 'the truth'. AS Byatt's character 'Ellen' is given laudanam for a headache. These days everyone's got a stash of paracetamol or ibruprofen. And they're not addictive.

But - we may have to move. To the 'West Midlands'. Where Phil's got his interview. A big area. Phil's already saying Ludlow. I was impressed as it was mentioned yet again in 'Country Life' as the best place to live in the country. Not just for foodies. It has a good Council. Very tempting. For someone like me who values local government.

And I think we've decided to go ahead with the marquee on the school field. Yes, it'll be hassle but as Phil pointed out yesterday I've got four weeks of holiday to take before April as I've been off sick for so long. The gorgeous dress is finished. As soon as I'm better I can start getting excited about that again.

Philosophising whilst cycling

I'm cycling to my radiotherapy appointments every day which is an hour of exercise so the diet has been binned. And cycling is wonderful, the flats you pass with tiny balconies, the houses with still-to- flower climbing trees, the cafes with scents of coffee and curry, the long nineteenth century tree-lined roads with families on their way to school, the beautiful parks thronging with bird song,(which I can't identify and wish I could) even in the rain . Then at the bottom of Pitfield Street you arrive in the city, at a junction I'm so happy to say adapted for cyclists with a crossing for us and the pedestrians. Then we all cycle the same route (they always overtake me) and the buildings get taller, the pedestrians more numerous, and the streets darker. Finally I arrive on Moorgate and waiting at the traffic lights to turn on to the Roman London Wall and the sound of footsteps is hypnotic. E taught me to say 'Ohm' in my head whilst meditating and it's so lovely to do it just there, where right in the thick of the action all you can hear are thousands of feet softly tapping quickly to their different destinations. And I'm overtaken again as I wonder how many millions of journeys have occured on that straight road and how it might have looked two thousand years ago.

Mum's best friend J's philosophy was 'to enjoy life as much as possible without harming anyone else'. I love thinking about thinking, nowhere more than on my bike where if I think a dodgy not-nice thought I can quickly think about avoiding hitting the pavement or how wet my bum/hands/legs are. I think about Dave Gorman and his quest to find other Dave Gormans. And my quest to find other A. Tattons. We found one last night - perhaps the only other in the country - on 'my tube'. She recorded a twenty second song 'Santa Baby'; coincidentally on my birthday. She's probably twenty years younger than me. Are they any thirty three year old, breast cancer inflicted, ex-Kylie-Minogue lookalike, NHS manager, expert patient trained, engaged, left-wing, feminist, cat loving, arctic-monkey-loving, food loving, aspiring writer/historians out there with the name Tatton? I think about feminism and its economic basis - equality of pay but not culturally.

Then I arrive at the hospital and you're in and out in 2 minutes, while they play 'Coldplay' on their ghetto blaster and you're zapped. Inappropriate I think, as not only is it too gloomy but 90% of the clientele are over 50. I ponder the merits of not only the 'gowns' they give you, but why they can't give you a bag to put all your stuff in each day as you trail round from waiting room, to changing room to the space age treatment room.

And the journey home. Empty streets on the way back as everyone's at their desks. Jeeves and Wooster take me back to the twentieth century and I wonder how people become butlers.
We had a lovely meal last night - at the Three Crowns on the High Street. High Standards and not too high a price - Phil got the champers and the roses. I bought the meal. We both ate, listened, talked and laughed. That's twenty-first century feminism for you.

Spoke too soon - feeling rough

Quicker than you can say 'Feminism is dead - look at the popularity of Life on Mars' I feel ill again. An overwhelming tiredness, which even for me, is unusual in that it's stopping me watch 'Diagnosis Murder'. Also haven't done the jobs I wanted to do like book my hairdressing appointment (Phil now says I look like David Milliband and that, believe me, is below the belt). I haven't done things like put the tins away from the shopping. But the Tattonmeister came round yesterday for a short trip - he has now played on a grammy award nominated song so that's very good. He kept making me laugh - like when we tried to visit the Church Street squat and they wouldn't let us in because they were 'shut'. He said he was going to complain. Tiredness is one of the side effects from radiotherapy so I don't know why I'm so shocked. I was just hoping I might feel like doing slightly more interesting things than lying around dozing.

Happy again

It takes a hell of a lot to get rid of my brilliant mood from the 19th May last year (a certain proposal) so I'm as happy now just about as I was then, having recovered from chemo, psychotic episode, cancer, work etc. I've just submitted the application to do the MA I want to do in October and really looking forward to that. We've scaled down the wedding considerably - Mum has found a marquee for hire for £400 - ten times cheaper than the other one we had booked. We're going to get married late afternoon so we can get away with giving everyone one meal - which is going to be a buffet. And I've cancelled the creche - nobody seemed to be into that idea. I've read two books in the past week which I enjoyed very much - going through chemo I couldn't even concentrate long enough to watch telly or listen to the radio - had to do jigsaws. I've read 'Small Island' which was a look at post-war racism, but I didn't like it that much, couldn't empathise with the characters. Then I read 'the Time Traveller's wife' which I really loved - always had a fascination with time travel; examining questions of philosophy, free will and history.

My hair is long enough to have a parting now - although Phil's calling me Hitler, I think I look like Maria Von Trapp.

Change of plans

Had a terrible week of illness - just a nasty virus which combined with radiotherapy has left me unable to get out of bed most of the week. Just recovering now. This has put the wedding plans on the back burner, in fact on a slow, conservative, back-burner. In fact on a bunsen burner. Yes, the wedding plans are on the brink of being totally changed. Being genuinely sick all week has made me feel like the mutated son of Gordon Brown and Ebeneezer Scrooge on a Monday morning. The half pay is starting to bite, combined with daytime TV which seems to be constantly about 'Cash in the Attic', places in the sun, spendaholics, adverts for loan sharks and debt agencies. Inflation's rising, unemployment's rising & both me and Phil might be out of a job, interest rates are on the increase and polar bears are dying. It's starting to seem ludicrous to spend not hundreds, but thousands of pounds on one day when we haven't got that money. Yes we have 'equity' but it isn't cash. But then, our revised wedding list (of ten guests each) includes no aunties, cousins and hardly any friends. And what would I spend what in real terms will be £50K on? You can't get much for that these days apparently, apart from a decent wedding.

A wonderful day

Yesterday was Phil's presentation of his membership of the Royal College of Surgeons and it was brilliant. I was quite looking forward to the day - but we'd thought we only had three tickets to the ceremony - so I was opting out and just coming to the dinner. Then at the last minute the Royal College said there were spare tickets so I was able to come to the ceremony. It snowed yesterday so that made it memorable in the first place and les parentios came down the night before so we had a leisurely start with some bacon butties that really threw the diet out of the window to start with. We got a cab to treat ourselves and because it's quite reasonable split between four so we arrived in good time. And when we saw the flag with the coat of arms flying above the large building that set the day off to a great start. It's a huge building well designed for all the hob knobbing - plenty of reception rooms and halls to feel very grand in. The first hall where Phil had to register had a marble floor and a few statues, one of which had a bit of a tale to it. The lady who donated the marble floor and the statue (of herself and her late husband who was a surgeon) had fallen in love with the sculptor and wanted his ashes also deposited in the statue along with hers and her late husband's. But it didn't happen in the end as their love affair ended. There was a huge statue of John Hunter - one of the first proper surgeons where people were having some photos taken - and we didn't know who he was. To remedy our lack of knowledge we went to the museum, in the building, which was excellent. I think that was why I enjoyed the day so much - because Phil's and the other surgeons' awards were put so well in their historical context. And what an amazing historical context to be part of! With my campaigning on this and that - to try and get ongoing funding for the NHS, to help older peoples' services and promote equality - I can lose sight so easily of all the progress that's made by humanity for humanity over what are very short time scales. The museum and the Royal College of Surgeons pointed this out so well. It was quite humbling and awe inspiring to think of all the progress made by each one of the 200 or so surgeons in the huge Edward Lumley hall where they each waited for their handshake from Bernard Ribeiro, the President. That all the knowledge of past medical interventions is so quickly passed down from these highly qualified doctors to their less experienced colleagues. And as we were sitting there, waiting for the ceremony to begin I felt SO happy and proud, not just because of Phil's achievements but for all of us, as the surgeons had come from all over the world - Africa, Asia, New Zealand - and each of them probably saving more lives than John Hunter could dream of. Tears of gratitude and joy welled in my eyes. The anatomical knowledge which Hunter clearly studied in great depth is now simply taken for granted almost, we knew we didn't need to ask Phil what was what - he knows it - it's a given. And the machines from as late as 1957 just looked so old and out of date - yet this is only a generation ago!
I wasn't expecting the art to be as inspirational either - in the museum they had a painting of the original 'Siamese Twins' and in the Hall a Hans Holbein of Henry VIII handing over a charter to the original association of Barber-Surgeons. Awesome. I probably won't have such an enjoyable day until the wedding!

The anti-climax of finishing a good book

I was trying to make it last as long as possible, but I've just finished a brilliant book and now I feel deflated. I suppose I can always read it again, a bit like looking at your wedding album over and over again. I like looking at other peoples'. I suspect I won't even like looking at my own that much - but who knows? I just can't wait.

Rediscovering coffee, politics, John Wesley Harding and Claire Rayner

The new diet has meant that I've been recently giving up tea and coffee which has seemed unduly harsh. Well I'm having a lovely day with a delicious black coffee with organic sugar (it's a compromise), listening to John Wesley Harding reading Claire Rayner's autobiography. Phil is on a 24 hour shift. I'm thoroughly enjoying all of the four activities. Why Claire Rayner isn't Dame Claire Rayner is beyond me. She had a terrible childhood, and then through a lot of hard work and pure determination has had an incredibly successful life, helping others along the way.

The wedding planning is going very well. We've ordered the wedding rings, copying the in-laws every step of the way, hoping if we do so some of their happy married life might rub off on us! We're having engraved 'Anna & Phil forever' on the inside of each of the rings.

Radiotherapy starts on a week on Tuesday, the 30th. I'm hoping to cycle there each time which will see me exceed the government target of 1.5 hours of exercise each week. It'll be that daily.

My friend Robert also got engaged recently and we're going to his engagement party on Friday, and his fiancee D is a personal trainer who gave me a free session on Tuesday. There's some cellulite busting exercises which quite frankly I don't believe. It's too difficult. The fact is I can't motivate myself with exercise - it's boring. Unless I'm cycling. It's the quickest way to get from A to B in London.

Celebrity Big Brother has entered the world of parody. I know I was complaining that they edit everything out on the live programme. Well they've been showing racist bullying on the edited show. Thankfully the general public, politicians and the media have picked up on this and for once since Princess Diana's death I've been watching the news avidly. It's great to see racists get their just desserts and I hope Danielle and Jo also get evicted now. It's one of my favourite debates - Free Speech. How far does it go? Should we let anyone say whatever they like? Fascinating.

I've been watching the news more, and in fact getting involved - I voted on the Politics Show Prime Ministers Questions event. I feel better for it. Viewers had to vote with their phones (free) - you had to press 5 when you thought something someone was saying was good and 0 when it was rubbish. I pressed 5 when Keith Vaz MP asked Tony Blair about racism. And I pressed 0 when David Cameron asked Tony Blair about a stupid Home Office letter. They should do it for Question Time too which I also enjoyed. People seem to think that sexism is the acceptable face of racism. IE if we bully the bullies back then that's ok. Edwina Curry called the bullies 'b*tches' and 'sl*gs'. Dimbleby the Chair didn't pick her up on it - it was left to someone else on the panel. Why is that acceptable?

Slimmer and more sane in 2007

The great news is my GP has agreed that I can come off Olanzepine as I've now returned to 'normal' after having a 'normal' nasty wobbly in reaction to chemo before Christmas. As you can see from the wikipedia entry very recently there's been some publicity about its links to weight gain, so I'm delighted. However not delighted enough to ditch the sanity the drug brings.

The other good news is that my two tutors from Univeristy twelve years ago have agreed to be referees for my MA which I want to start in October, brilliant.

Darts, Poirot & Celebrity Big Brother

Yep, the weekend was a TV one and it was great. We watched Harry Potter and Phil guided me through the plot. Then yesterday we watched Poirot and I guided Phil through the plot. It's always the person you're least supposed to think it is with Agatha Christie. Phil said it was the Page Boy, which it never is, it's always someone with grandeur and an accomplice. So it was the banker and his secretary.

The Darts was phenomenol, apparently the best final since Jocky Wilson and Eric Bristow in 1989. Anyway, the underdog, 'Nixy' who everyone was rooting for, he'd been made redundant recently and had been able to practise his darts more. He was losing 6-0 at the interval, and managed to come back to 6-all but lost in the end. But it was very exciting. With all the marketing they're making the most of the 'Wives' (there don't seem to be any gay or single darts players). One was very glamorous and the other one wasn't, which again made one firm up one's allegiances. I couldn't decide with the wives. My new found obsession with make up (as I've got a shaved head of course) means I can now empathise with all these heavily made up women, in fact I'm now imitating them. I've finally found a foundation which doesn't make me look like I've got jaundice - it's the fairest one.

There's nothing very amusing to report on Celebrity Big Brother apart from that all the women on it seem to wear foundation I've noticed. I'm pleased I'm allowed to watch it - Phil banned me before with the normal one, but I love it. I like the human interactions they have. What is terrible though is the amount of editing when you watch it live. You're just watching and listening to an interesting conversation, but because the Channel Four lawyers are editing like hawks, so that any snippet of information about anyone else is cut.

The appointment with the Radiologist went fine - it's starting in a couple of weeks hopefully, - will find out on Friday. The main side effect from that is tiredness, which I'm counteracting with all my cycling.

The diet is going well. Like proper scientists, Phil and I have been monitoring our weights on a graph. His original graph was quite frankly a bit rubbish - you couldn't see what was going on as the scale was too small. His was our entire weight in kilograms on the y axis, with about six months on the x axis. In other words it's a straight line for both of us. I did another one with 60-58 kg on one page for myself and I've already gone off the page (in the right direction).
Good.

Tattontastic the musical

We went out last night as the Tattonmeister had a gig at Cargo. It was brilliant - and we went for a Chinese first - primarily so that Phil could get the really big straws for one of his inventions.

So we've had a v relaxing day today. Phil did his tax return while I went and got some fruit and veg. The fruit bowl is stacked very high. Now I'm on this diet, I find I'm snacking more - on things like dried apricots and grapes. Then we watched Singing in the Rain. And it made me think I would want my life displayed in musical form. Did you know that Andre Previn worked with the producer of Singing in the Rain? Well I didn't. Anyway, what I'd do for one of the scenes is have a jazzed up 'Champagne Supernova' with the character playing me tap dancing up an escalator coming into Charing Cross station for when I first moved to London.

The joys of Incapacity Benefit

Today was one of those days that you just write off. The weather was awful so I just did the ironing and I had the pleasure of applying for Incapacity Benefit. I'm entitled to it as 'Statutory Sick Pay' runs out after six months. Work automatically sent me the form. But there are no forms any more. You have to do it all by phone apparently. It was 'Computer says no' meets Myfanwy; a welsh girl who must have been about 19 asking ridiculous questions. Like had I been to prisoner of war camps in the far east. It was quite good - I was saying 'No' so much that I started saying it in silly accents to make the experience more enjoyable. 'nieu. nooo. nuuo.' I've certainly got no faith in the system.

The diet is still going quite well. Doing without tea and sugar is the worst bit. But I made two delicious soups today - Watercress for dinner and Lettuce for lunch. If I don't start losing weight soon I really will lose faith.

Wedding Planning in the Twenty First Century for the over thirties

Is probably better than wedding planning for the under twenties in the nineteenth century. In fact make that definitely.

I'm still enjoying all the planning. And that's the thing, you know you're going to have a great day, make that two weeks, probably the best of your life so far, and so minor changes aren't going to make that much difference.

The diet is going well - more FAT
1) Carol Vorderman has got some good detox recipes including root vegetable soup which we had today
2) So has Gillian McKeith
3) And Super Juice man
4) We've bought a new juicer and it's great
5) I love our Xmas cards

New Years Resolutions

1) Stay Positive
2) Enjoy Life
3) Be active - 30 minutes of cycling per day
4) Enjoy good relationships
5) Keep up healthy lifestyle - meditation, aromatherapy, Alexander Technique, visualisation
6) Enjoy good communication
7) Listen well
8) HAve a good laugh every day
9) Show appreciation
10) Eat 5 fruit and veg per day

Bird theme for wedding

I am having hand made shoes for my wedding which I'm totally thrilled about. The shoemaker (Emmy) has been inspired by me I'm delighted to say and made an applique bird which she has just given me, the day before my birthday and it made my week!

I'm so delighted - my Auntie Enid is a big bird lover which has influenced me.

The History of the Nation State: My great friend Paolo

Yesterday we had a mini New Year celebration; Phil is working for 24 hours now so he'll miss seeing the New Year in. So we had an allegedly good friend of mine in (Paolo) with some spag bol. 'Celebration' might be a bit of a euphemism, 'Argument' is a better description probably. Paolo would be a great person to inspire a novel, as he is so novel. Boring yet interesting , Loyal yet spontaneous, Doglike yet catlike too. Talented yet destitute.

At home (here) I've got a 'Rainy Day Album' - it's a brilliant idea from the Bristol Cancer Haven place - They suggested a Rainy Day Box, but mine has expanded into a Rainy Day House. Anyway, in this album are photos of my friends and family to cheer me up. Paolo has a whole page to himself in this prestigious piece of work, and I've written on a piece of yellow card on his page 'Always talking - could talk for Italy, yet he always makes me laugh, my great friend Paolo'. And herein lies the issue - Phil could also talk for England. I, on this ocassion was Switzerland. The debate naturally turned to the nation state. They were both shouting at each other to shut up at the same time, when I offered my two penorth. Paolo was saying that the Italians are Arabs, Phil was saying that actually the Meditterareon peoples had inflenced the North Africans. I said that both these debates had a hint of racism about them and the important thing was the human race. They both counteracted that saying that there's evidence that humans can mate with baboons. Especially me. Ha ha ha. I think Phil was trying to get rid of PAolo as he put the entire Godfather collection on our new TV - but this of course inspired yet more yapping and wine consumption. From both of us (myself and Paolo). One of my main hobbies is talking through films - especially ones I don't like (see Pirates of the Caribbean, Braveheart etc etc ad infinituum below).